I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
