No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
