We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Less talking, more tequila
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
