I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
