Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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