what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize