She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
