So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
