i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
