i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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