what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
