I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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