Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
