Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
