If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
