Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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