I hate your face
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
