woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
