We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
