Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
