do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize