3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize