Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
