I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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