Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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