I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My liver just broke up with me...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
