So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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