Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize