so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is Oprah even human
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
