so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
