my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
