DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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