WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize