he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
