Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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