Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
