after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
