he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
