I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize