next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I lost the right to judge tonight
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
