I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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