I'm going to rape someone's good day.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
