i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize