I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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