I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
