I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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