Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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