Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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