I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
