Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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