Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
