Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
