I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
