then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
