all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
