GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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