I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
