i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
