dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
