my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
