My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
