I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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