Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
