yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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