Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
