She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We are all done wearing pants today
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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