goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
