woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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